Creating Boundaries

Medically Reviewed by: Elizabeth Adeseko, L.C.D.C

Setting boundaries. It’s a social skill that all of us want to master, but it takes a little more effort than we would like. Noticing that there is a boundary issue in a relationship is the beginning of learning to set them. If you feel overwhelmed, obligated, or notice poor self-care, there may be boundary issues in that relationship.

Being able to set boundaries is the secret to every good relationship, so where do you even begin? We’re going to dive into the world of boundaries and how you can effectively set boundaries with those around you.

Defining Boundaries

To be able to create a boundary, you first have to know what it is. In this case, we will define boundaries in context with relationships. Nedra Glover Tawwab states, “a boundary is defined as expectations and need that make you feel safe and comfortable in relationships.”

Sometimes it can feel hard to say no or decline a request, and this can happen whether you are close to that person or not. Ignoring that person isn’t a successful solution to the problem, so the next step would be to set necessary boundaries. That feeling of being unable to establish or state a boundary will disappear.

The reality is that you have boundaries in your mind that you want to say and implement; the next step is following through. It can be as simple as a conversation. Boundaries are there to make you feel safe and respected by the other person. To get to that state of respect, you must let others know how you currently feel and what can be done to get you to feel how you want. By doing this, you build trust and a sense that everything will be okay.

Effective Ways To Set Boundaries

Everything is a process, and it is important to accept that. Let’s look at 5 effective steps to setting boundaries in any kind of relationship.

Step 1

Knowing what boundaries you want to set. It’s important to analyze the relationship that you have with that person. Know what you are experiencing now that you don’t like. Know what you want to avoid experiencing or participating in. Write them down mentally or physically. Understand your values and why you want these specific boundaries.

Step 2

Openly communicate your new boundaries. This is usually the most challenging part most people struggle with. It’s easy to feel that you have a lot to lose in this situation, but it’s important to remember that it’s your own for your own good, and you only have something to gain. It’s better to have the conversation sooner rather than later. When communicating, it’s important to be assertive. Take a deep breath, remember what you want to say, and say it in a kind and respectful way.

After this challenging conversation, comes the resolution to maintain such boundaries. Just like a car, you must maintain the boundaries you’ve set in the relationship. Whether those boundaries change in the future doesn’t matter presently. So, here are the next steps.

Step 3

Reiterate and enforce your boundaries. It might take that person a little while to get used to the boundaries that you’ve set. So, as you meet with them, make sure to reiterate your boundaries and make sure that they follow through with them. This is the only way you’ll get that feeling of trust and respect.

Here are some examples of reinterning and enforcing your boundaries in different scenarios:

• So, I can stay for half an hour at the party, but I can’t stay all day.
• I will end this phone conversation if you continue to yell at me.
• Thank you for your offer. Unfortunately, I can’t make it.
• I’m not comfortable discussing that with you.
• I need some time to think about it.
• I do not respond to work emails during the weekend; that’s my family time.

Step 4

Don’t be afraid to say no or take a step back. This is easier said than done, but it can be done. No is a powerful word and can sometimes feel a little threatening, but it is very healthy to say no.

It’s important that you program yourself to say no when you want to say no. Do not feel obligated to do anything you do not want to do. If you are having trouble saying the word “no” outright, here are some alternatives to the word.

• That sounds great but…
• I’m not available then.
• I just cannot do it. I’m honored that you would ask me, but I’m not able to do it that day.
• I’m sorry, but I can’t help you at this time.
• Unfortunately, I’m not available. Maybe another time.

Step 5

Take time for yourself. If you’re feeling burned out or overwhelmed in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself. During this time, reflect on the relationship and its benefits or negatives to your mental health. But remember not to think about it too much; you still need time for yourself. Also, remember to inform the other person of your time away from the relationship and let them know when you’ll be returning.

Here’s how you know you’ve set healthy boundaries:

1. You don’t feel taken advantage of
2. You’re on your own time and not theirs
3. There’s a feeling of high self-esteem and self-respect
4. You’re not taking on responsibilities you can’t handle
5. You’ve clearly communicated your needs and wants and are prioritizing yourself

It’s Time To Set Those Boundaries

We’ve given you the tools you need, and now it’s time to put them to the test. Remember, it is a process that doesn’t come together in one day. So, take your time and set those boundaries in the relationships that you know need it.