Safe Space – Creating Boundaries with Liz Adeseko

Due to the pandemic, many individuals lives have become chaotic and lack boundaries. Liz Adeseko (LCSW/LCDC), part of Community Health Network’s virtual and in-person behavioral health team, sits down with host Mariela Salgado to discuss and teach listeners about boundaries and how to create them.

Mariela Salgado:

Hi, thank you for joining us for another segment of Safe Space. Today we are joined by Liz Adeseko, she is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and also a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor (LCDC) here at Community Health Network. Thank you for being here Liz.

Liz Adeseko:

Thank you so much, so today I will be talking about boundaries. I know that it is a topic that is on a lot of people’s minds, hearts, and especially when coming to counseling, I know a lot of people are asking themselves “how can I have better boundaries with my family and friends”.? “How can I say no when I want to”? Those are just a few of those things that we are going to hopefully provide a little bit of help when it comes to those issues.

So, what is a boundary? How can it be defined? Well, I have a definition that I really like and it’s from author Nedra Glover Tawwab who wrote “Set Boundaries, Find Peace (a guide to reclaiming yourself”. Her quotation is that “boundaries are expectations and needs that make you feel safe and comfortable in relationships”. These boundaries would make you feel safe and comfortable when you are in a relationship that you end up building trust and a sense that you are going to be ok with your significant other.

Once you know what boundaries are then you really want to look at what your values are, and the reason you want to do that is cause then you know where to draw your attention to with your boundaries with family, friends, or whatever is most important to you.

Another good resource that I’m going to be mentioning today is therapistaid.com where you can find the “values clarification list”. This is where you rate your values 1 to 10 on which ones are most important to you. E.g.: spirituality, love, family, responsibility, fun, loyalty, respect, peace, etc. with these categorized in a list 1 to 10 you’ll be able to see how you would like to have your boundaries be.

Another important thing that Nedra brings up in her book is that poor self-care, feeling overwhelmed, types of feeling that can be associated with depression too, can all be signs of boundary issues. These types of feelings can come from when we start to feel resentful, we don’t set the limits we would’ve liked to set with others, avoiding people to a feeling of being burnt out, or even want to disappear from being around a lot of people.

What I am also going to talk about when it comes to boundaries is communication. It’s a big part of boundaries and I am going to discuss the three different types of communication and then focus in on the type of communication that we want to focus on when it comes to boundaries.

The three types of communication are:

Passive communication: can be described as not being very loud, can be very hard for us to talk about our needs, we do not have a lot of eye contact, we may look away, look down, and sometimes we can allow others to take advantage.

Aggressive communication: can be described as much more vocal, when someone is easily frustrated, they may be unwilling to compromise at all. They may be disrespectful, and they could interrupt the other person. Focuses on a person’s own needs.

Assertive communication(is also what we want to focus on when it comes to boundaries): the type of communication that we can listen to, we can listen to the other person’s needs, we can clearly state our own needs and wants which is very important, willing to compromise, where we can stand up for our rights, can have confident body language, we can look at a person in the eye during a conversation.

Assertive communication is where we want to do as much as possible and obviously, this is something that takes practice and it’s not always easy, but it can be helpful.

One scenario that we can give from therapistaid.com with the passive-aggressive and assertive communication is that: A friend may ask to borrow a car, and this is something that doesn’t work for you at all. A passive person would say that’s fine just put some gas, while an aggressive person might say no, why would I do that? and an assertive person might say I need my car right now, but I can give you a ride. This is good and the type of communication that we want because they talk about their needs and the assertive person is willing to listen and adjust their needs a little to come to a compromise.

Another helpful tool when it comes to boundary issues or helping us clarify our needs in an assertive way is using “I Statements”. These types of statements help us talk about our feelings and have it come across in a way that isn’t blaming or shaming the other person but we’re still getting our needs met. How to use I statements would be “I feel + (emotion word) when blah blah blah explanation.

E.g., of a bad, I Statement: “I feel (very upset/sad) when you don’t tell me where you are going to.”

E.g., of a good, I Statement: “I feel (worried) when you don’t tell me where you are going.

Notice the blaming in the bad I Statement that we are trying to avoid.

Some other things I’m going to talk about are ways to say “no”. People who have trouble saying no often feel bad, guilty about saying no but, it’s important to remember that “we are not responsible about how the other person is feeling right and that we are responsible for our thoughts and actions”. You could even use assertive communication to hear out both of your needs but not disrespect each other.

Examples of saying “no” in an assertive way:

● That sounds great but

● I’m not available then.

● I just cannot do it. I’m honored that you would ask me but I’m not able to do it that day.

● I’m sorry but I can’t help you at this time.

● Unfortunately, I’m not available, maybe another time.

It may not always be easy to say no but with practice with ourselves in the mirror or with family/friends, pets, etc. we can practice enough to get better at it. Even if it’s not our strength now, it’s something we can work on in the future.

Good examples of what healthy boundaries can sound for us:

● So, I can stay for half an hour at the party, but I can’t stay all day.

● I will end this phone conversation if you continue to yell at me.

● Thank you for your offer. Unfortunately, I can’t make it.

● I’m not comfortable discussing that with you.

● I need some time to think about it.

● I do not respond to work emails during the weekend, that’s my family time

Over time and with some practice it can be achievable goals for creating your personal boundaries. I hope that was helpful for you guys.